Winter, December 2006

Well folks, after a lot of waiting, my friend is finally here.

I'm talking about the winter!
For the past few weeks I've been waiting for rain, but it refused to come.

I'm a winter-lovin' guy, I don't like the summer too much , don't like the heat.
But when it's raining outside, you'll surely find me hangin' around with a smile on my face.

Today the winter came back and brought in a surprise - SNOW!

So, yes, it's snowing here in Jerusalem, Israel.

The images you see were taken in these past few hours.
I've shot a lot more pictures, but since the snow reflects the light, I've now a bunch of snowflakes pictures with very little view, so try to enjoy these 3 images and imagine that great snow falling down right at your neighborhood!


Anyway, I'll go to sing in the snow a little bit :-)

Have a great winter!




Itamar.

Here is a collection of short jokes...Enjoy!!

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

---

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

---

What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.

---

How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!

---

Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window.

---

Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!!

---

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

---

What is green and smells?
Hulk's fart.

---

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper.

---

You so short you have to look up to look down.

---

Yo mamma is so fat:
She eats Wheat Thicks.
We're in her right now.
She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world.
She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, "FREE WILLY."

---

Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it".

---

Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window.

---

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...

---

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

---

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

---

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

---

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.

---

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!

---

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

---

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

---

Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

---

Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

---

Yo mama's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.

---

Yo mama's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

---

Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.

---

Yo mama's so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.

---

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

---

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.

---

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

---

Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.
George Carlin

---

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneris

---

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

---

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer

---

I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people.
Ed Bluestone

---

I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".
Jay Leno

---

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

---

What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.

---

Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!

---

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

I know that you missed him, but he's back - Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.

When the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. He then procedes to fuck all the girls in the stadium with his beard.

Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as foreceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.

Ice isn’t cold water, it’s water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

If you look at Chuck Norris while he is smiling, your entire family will get AIDS.

Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuck’s tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.

Chuck Norris can actually breath fire.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

In the back of the Guinness Book of World Records it states “All records are currently held by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this book are only the records of those people who have come closest to Chuck Norris’s records.”

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

God has nothing to do with the creation of the heavens and the earth, it was Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kick to the face of God that allowed him to create the heavens and the earth.

Chuck Norris was once walking along the Sahara Desert when he decided he needed shelter from the sun. So he stared at the sand until it melted into 2 ton blocks. He then made his shelter which we now call the Great Pyramids.

Adam and Eve never existed. What really happened, was that Chuck Norris sneezed and a human fetus emerged from his nose, this was the beginning of man.

Chuck Norris masterbates with a sledgehammer.

when he was a young man, chuck norris one crapped his pants. Seconds later, the poop was so frightened of an iminent roundhouse kick that it retreated back into his butthole.

Some more Chuck Norris jokes

Chuck Norris’s penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Chuck Norris doesnt consider it sex if the woman lives

When Chuck Noris jumps in a pool he dosen’t get wet water gets Chuck Noris.

Chuck Noris round house kicked the leaning tower of piza […]

The Devil went down to Georgia not because he was looking for a soul to steal.. Chuck Norris took over hell for two weeks and told the Devil to get the fuck out.

Chuck Norris is the reason that God rested on the seventh day.

Three simple rules of survival:
1. Don’t take the name of Chuck in […]

Chuck Norris once commented, “There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none.”

Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.

Chuck Norris is a man of few words. […]

When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to chuck,”excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole”. Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is “The Two”

Chuck Norris’ iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord.

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn’t Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus’ birthday.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

Chuvk Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

God has nothing to do with the creation of the heavens and the earth, it was Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kick to the face of God that allowed him to create the heavens and the earth.

Chuck Norris was once walking along the Sahara Desert when he decided he needed shelter from the sun. So he stared at the sand until it melted into 2 ton blocks. He then made his shelter which we now call the Great Pyramids.

Adam and Eve never existed. What really happened, was that Chuck Norris sneezed and a human fetus emerged from his nose, this was the beginning of man.

Chuck Norris was not alowed to be a part of UFC,NFL,PGA,NBA,NHL or any Olympic event for fear that too many deaths would occure….

Chuck Norris masterbates with a sledgehammer.

Sonic booms are really Chuck Norris’s orgasms.

Chuck Norris bathes in a mixture of sufuric acid, A-JAX, Gasoline and AquaVelva and scrubs himself with a loofah made of steele wool. This creates the alluring aroma that makes him irresistable to all women.

Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse; Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented the internet while round house kicking Al Gore viciously in the back of the head.

A man asked Chuck how many total people had he roundhouse kicked in his entire lifetime? Another man blurted out, 4500. Chuck Norris said, “WRONG!, he then proceded to roundhouse kick both men in the head and said 4502.”Chuck then went to take a dump.

Microsoft jokes

Here's a small collection of good Microsoft jokes I found on several sites on the Internet. Your contributions are welcome! Special thanks to Bill Gates and Microsoft who will still make us laugh for years!


Great writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Microsoft Announces New, Configurable Blue Screen of Death!
In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.
The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?"
A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death." At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer "Downloading XXXScans" by an easy 12 points.
"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers," explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.
Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes," allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.
The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.
Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD.
Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that GNU/Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."

Foot-and-mouth virusAtlanta, Ga.
Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.
"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.
The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."
However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.
Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."
Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.
Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"


Microsoft Keyboard revealed!
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more functional. The keys in development are:
1.GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault. 2.$$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention. 3.ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited. 4.MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window. 5.FUD key--Self explanatory. 6.Chicago key--Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time. 7.IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.

Technorati Profile

Technorati Profile

Some jokes about Chuck Norris (that I got from a friend of mine, thanks Roey!)

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris’ wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, “don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Hello everybody

This is a translation to English of what I wrote here before.

After opening a BLOG at Tapuz, as part of our homework, I've decided to move it to this site.
Hebrew isn't the default language here, but I guess I'll manage, maybe I'll even start posting my stories in English, who knows?

So let's hope for a new and successful begining (and maybe even to earn a few cents here and there :) )

Have a great week y'all!

Itamar.

התחלה חדשה..

טוב, אז אחרי שהתחלתי בלוג בתפוז במסגרת שיעורי הבית, עכשיו אני פותח בלוג כאן כדי לנסות ולהרוויח כמה סנטים מפרסומות, שוב, במסגרת שיעורי הבית.
אז עברית היא לא בדיוק שפת המקום ובגלל זה הכל נראה מבולגן ולא מיושר לימין (הקשב!), אבל אני מקווה להסתדר גם עם הבלוג הזה, מי יודע? אולי פתאום אתחיל לכתוב גם באנגלית :)


אז שתהיה התחלה חדשה , טובה ומוצלחת וכולכם מוזמנים לבלוג החדש שלי...